Thursday, March 29, 2007

Mom headlines the VU webpage

today we have a bit of fun for a change! Mom is currently headlining the Vanderbilt University homepage. and yes, she really is that dynamic in daily living.

also, my brother has been released from the hospital. we are not sure yet what is going on with him, but stroke, heart attack and brain aneurysm (i.e. actively dying) have all been ruled out. (thank you-know-who.) now the questions remain: did the episodes truly resulted from hypertensive encephalopathy or is the hypertension a red herring? why is Brian having fairly marked hypertension when he was normotensive just a few months ago? is Milla Jovovich as badass in person as she is in the movies? these questions and more to (hopefully) be answered in our next episode...

this quote, courtesy of my brother, after a long discourse between his doctor and me regarding SOTA (state of the art) for hypertension and lightheadedness/presyncopal episodes:
"Your sister sure knows an awful lot about human medicine for a veterinarian."

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

exhaustion

things continue to be crazy here. as much as i would like to continue keeping things close to the chest, i feel like-for my sake-i have to abandon that approach.

in addition to the Defense and the cat and the apartment demolition, things have actually been more than a little bit stressful on the personal front. three weeks ago, while on choir tour, Mom had a drug reaction to a new medication. she had a grand mal seizure, necessitating hospitalization. at that time, it was discovered that she also had severe hyponatremia (low blood sodium), probably secondary to a long-term reaction to her blood pressure medication. she was released after 24 hour observation but has had severe rib and back pain since that time which is only partially controlled with pain medications.

as you can imagine, this has played havoc with her morale and really negatively affected her ability to believe that things are eventually going to get better. waking up in the hospital all 'broken' again with no understanding of why just harkens too strongly back to the accident.

Roland and i decided that a surprise visit might be just the thing to improve morale and so i flew home Thursday for a long weekend visit. Roland met me at the airport after running to the grocery store. Mom suspected nothing and it was just wonderful to surprise her so!

Friday was a great day of fun and frivolity. Saturday we completed an epic amount of chores before meeting up with Kelly and Bill for dinner. it was spectacular to be all together again. actually the whole weekend was quite special and lovely for us all. Sunday, unfortunately, Roland lost his balance working in the yard and fell - bashing his head against a concrete water diverter. in addition to abrasions on both forearms, he sustained a cut down to the cartilage of his left ear and a 3 inch full thickness laceration (to the bone) on the back of his head. this sent us back to the hospital - after two hours and three frustrating attempts to get him seen at an urgent care center. Roland ended up needing a head CT - which thankfully was normal - as well as 4 stitches in his ear and roughly 10 staples in his skull. he was quite the trooper about it all. we finally made it home for dinner just before 10pm. Roland noted that now he and Mom will have matching scars since his laceration is the same place she had her craniotomy.

Monday, Mom had an appointment with a physical therapist about her side. as ever, getting things sorted out for the appointment was an epic ordeal, but the appointment itself was very helpful. it turns out that, during the seizure and associated fall, one of Mom's ribs got jammed in a cocked back position. it is not moving normally with the rest of her ribs, which is causing high shearing pressures on the associated muscles. the therapist was actually surprised that she was doing as well as she is. the good news is that it should be completely fixable with appropriate therapy.

with my Defense fast approaching, i flew back last night. Trav met me at the airport and brought me home. he had straightened and stocked emergency rations and got me the most lovely hydrangea. it was all just so sweet of him!

this morning, i headed in for a recheck appointment for Zaney before planning to buckle down on my Defense preparations. partway through the appointment, i received a call from Mom that my brother was being hospitalized for severe dizziness. it turns out this is the second episode of dizziness he has experienced in the past couple weeks. thus far, all tests (blood work, EKG, chest radiographs, head CT etc) are normal with the exception of moderate hypertension. although his blood pressure does not seem high enough to be causing his symptoms, they are trying treatment of it first, since they can find nothing else wrong. we will just have to wait and see what happens. brain MRI may be the next step.

because i was concerned about missing something given my state of mind, another doctor is taking over on Zaney. i feel terrible, like i am letting my friends down as both a friend and doctor, but i cannot risk overlooking something.

now i am home, receiving intermittent medical updates and trying to get cat vomit out of the couch. as you can imagine, i am no longer particularly in a place to work on my Defense. with only a week remaining though, i haven't much choice. i could contact my committee about rescheduling, but honestly i need to do this. rescheduling would just make me feel even more like i need to just give up on my life and career so i can care for everyone else. if i have to cancel the Defense, i suspect i might not reschedule. ever. i might just give up.

the thought of giving up just feet from the finish line brings me such exquisite sorrow, i cannot bear to face it.

so cross your fingers and pray i can do this. i just really need a win, since life is apparently never going to ease up on the bit.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

step 2: check!

completing a PhD is kind of like completely an epic backpack - a Pacific Crest or Appalachian Trail backpack. it doesn't proceed as one would expect and years can be spent struggling without achieving any appreciable progress. there are heady moments when one finishes writing a grant or gets results back from the statistician, but more often days are filled with abusive reviewer comments*, incomprehensible experimental technique failures, and long periods of slow slogging.

to keep from getting lost in the hugeness of it all, i made a 'To Do' list when i started the PhD. this list broke down everything for every project in play and planned and i update it regularly. it is this list that has kept me going, because a PhD is huge, but 'Finish literature search' and 'Follow-up with statistician' are manageable. recognizing this, i have taken the same approach to the Defense. step 1 was getting it to my boss. step 2 is getting it to my committee. step 3 - prepare slides for my talk, study and plan follow-up experiments so i can field potential questions best. step 4 - defend. step 5 - either celebrate or fall in front of a truck (or perhaps one too many margs to temporarily drown my sorrows). the steps definitely help, especially given my new friends Insomnia and Probable Gastric Ulcer.

yesterday morning i turned my dissertation in to my committee. to celebrate with me, Mom sent me these lovely flowers. they really brighten up the place and my spirits. i started my slides yesterday, but didn't push myself too hard. i was pretty fried and figured it would be better to recuperate than work inefficiently. the weather was nice enough that i was also able to fit in a 7 mile bike ride in doing errands. today i have an appointment to recheck my 'niece' Zane and then home to work on slides and future research 'directions'.


Rainbow trouts
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
last night i did finish the fish socks. they are Knitty Pomatomus pattern using Marks and Kattens Clown on US 1s. i think they turned out very nicely and take pleasure in thinking of them as 'Rainbow trout' - even though no one else seems to appreciate the almost humor. cast on the yarn for a sock swap sock. pretty excited about it, and i think i ended up with just the right yarn.

have to get back to work now... sigh.

*anonymity can release otherwise normal people from social constraints, allowing them to say things both undeserved and beyond the pale.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

speed socks


Cowgirl slipper socks
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
Monday night i made the other cowgirl sock while puzzling through a problem. they are in fact quite yummy. they are the Cowgirl slipper socks from Interweave Winter 2006 edition knit in Ry Classic Silk Wool DK in Brownstone. in the non-digital world, they really are the color of New England brownstones. keep your fingers crossed that they wash well.

also, sorry about the missing info on the country socks! i forgot to transfer it over from the photo file! those socks were made with adapted use of the Country Socks pattern from Nancy Bush's Folk Socks. i knit them using Ecco Extrafine merino in #201.

been working on the fish socks. once you get your head around the pattern, they are actually quite fun to knit. a little hard on the arms maybe, but that probably is more that i am obsessively over-knitting. eventually i will sleep again and maybe not look like the undead snowpeople on Kylie's Christmas stocking, but right now i knit.

got the first comments from my boss re the dissertation. not too bad. only two things that i will need to sort out. won't get the comments on the three remaining chapters until Friday (at the earliest). it is due to the committee Tuesday. things may be tight...

also got the galleys for a scientific article that has been in press for almost a year and is a chapter in the dissertation. one thing particularly entertaining about peer-reviewed publications is that the journal takes 2-3 months to get back to you about anything (at best) but you have to respond within 48 hours when it is your turn. [grouse grouse grouse.]

...

you are right. i tend to respond at that speed anyway. hate having things on the To Do list. but still, it is the principle of the matter.

Monday, March 12, 2007

big day

today is an exciting day. today i officially no longer have to view Mr. Head like this:


today is officially his first non-radioactive day. this means i no longer have to play extreme nuclear Russian roulette with the 100+ year old plumbing and can dispose of his urine normally.

hoo rah!

TraV and i both spent the weekend feeling pretty crappy. we went to Denver Roller Dolls showdown against Kansas City on Friday. i worked on a 'Comfort Scarf' i got from Carodan Farms. [the yarn is sold at cost, you knit the scarf and then the scarf is packaged in a gift bag and provided to a local cancer center.] the yarn i received is a lovely red long eyelash yarn. unfortunately, as the scarf knit out, i realized i hadn't picked big enough needles and it was looking disturbingly like Elmo meets Silence of the Lambs. i frogged it Saturday, and let me tell you that was fun.


Country socks
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
i did finish up these puppies, which are much prettier in person than i was able to capture. and soft. so soft.

i also made un petit soupcon for someone special. it is a surprise so i can share nothing more on that front. i also started a pair of the Pomatomus socks, inspired by Lene. finally, i knocked out one of a pair of Cowgirl Slipper socks when my head was hurting too much to concentrate on a serious pattern. they are going to be just yummy to wear.


as you can imagine, i could not do this all on my own. fortunately, i had a lot of help...


Family knitting
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

twitchy


Cabled socks for Mom
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
man, i have felt weird all day. i felt like an overstimulated, overcaffeinated, vibrating at high frequency crystal chittering squirrel facing a tax audit with a sugar high. completely incapable of concentrating on my scientific reading, completely incapable of sitting still.

eventually i cemented myself on the couch with my legs pinned beneath me and a movie playing to knit like a maniac. i think i am better but, since my legs are still hopping like babies in a bouncy chair, the improvement seems relative. i wanted to get these socks finished so i can get them in the mail as a pick-me-up for Mom. socks at warp speed. good times. but they are done. i am really pleased with how they turned out. don't they seem like the happiest socks ever?


Mittens for Lappin
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
these i finished over the weekend since i really needed to blow off some nervous energy. my boss questioned my decision to give them to him before my defense... what if i didn't pass? i might not want to give him a present then. i pointed out it may be too warm to use them by the time my defense is past. he agreed it was sound thinking, paused a moment, and then asked if they were a bribe. sheesh.



random aside to Denise: i have reviewed the PhD manners book, and pompoms are definitely acceptable! i am thinking crazy variegated stripey colors because it has been a crazy mish mosh of a PhD project. boy, is it exciting to know i have a cheering section!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

ambiguous? maybe not.

so, my boss has started reading my dissertation. i had told him i considered the protein results huge but i would not share them in advance. i, of course, have since worried that i overstated things and he would be disappointed in the results.

thus far today, i have received three emails from him. the first:

HOLY SHIT....you are going to be famous! WOW!

later dudettee....perseverance.....pays......wahoo

then three minutes later:
Will you be able to withstand the impulse to say I TOLD YOU SO...to Dr. AA?

and finally two minutes after that:
I am going to ask the person that asked me to speak to the nephrology group to let you and I do it together......I will give the lead in on the work that preceeded the protein stuff and then introduce you to DROP THE BOMB!

the question is, do you think i overstated things?

[insert picture of me smiling]

Step 1: Check

last night i got the first complete draft of my dissertation in to my boss. now i study and wait for his feedback. then frenetic revisions and dissemination to the committee March 20th.

for a variety of reasons, it is a relief to have it in...

Thursday, March 01, 2007

knitting and the chasm

the plumber and the tinner arrived early yesterday morning. after a long discussion regarding the relative merits of tearing a second hole in a potential load-bearing wall or the kitchen floor, they finally decided instead to expand the existing already large hole. happily, they were much more quiet than anticipated, and i was actually able to get some writing done.

also, this weekend i tried to knock out the mittens for my boss. can i just say the man has aberrantly large hands? i tore back once to increase their size, found they were still going to be too small, and decided to make fingerless gloves for TraV first since the yarn was turning out a pretty pattern in Black Watch colors. i intended to do those next, but whatever. they are very plain by his request so he won't catch them on things at work and shred them too quickly. they still seem to have turned out well.


Trav's fingerless gloves
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
and no. i did not have my boss locked in the closet for measuring. i took a tracing of his hand and have been trying to make it 3D by scrunching up my face to blur the edges.

i did end up completely one of the mittens and the ribbing for the other, but i want to confirm fit before i make the second and add the finish detail.

i also set to work on a pair of cabled socks for a dear friend to whom i owe much since i had a three hour lecture to attend. they are snug but don't slip this way. the problem is that i ended up knitting on 0s instead of 2s as the yarn allegedly calls for and i am not going to have enough yarn. i went back four times to the yarn store before successfully being there when it was open.

Cabled sock
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
in the interim, the owner sold all the yarn to a woman that will be opening a yarn store in a nearby town in a couple of months. now, that obviously won't work. so the question is whether i order another skein online and hope the lots are close enough to not be obvious or whether i frog it back and redo as a shorter sock. hmm.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

i can seeeee you!

as you can see, my big hole arrived today. i know you are jealous that you too cannot have such a marvelous gaping maw in your kitchen,* but they are reserved for special people like me.

in exciting news, they were able to tear everything out while limiting the porthole between the upstairs and my apartment to the kitchen. this means i can continue to shower without having to worry about collecting a cover charge.

in other exciting news, the plumber graciously agreed not to cut the sewer pipe until he is ready to cap it so that i don't have 'sewer vapors' wafting through the apartment for an undisclosed period of time. that this item required serious discussion completely baffles me. but i am weird like that.


*honestly, i am impressed that they managed to make it so tidy. it certainly didn't start out that way.

how happy he will be...


Stripey socks for TraV
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
tonight i finished TraVy's first pair of handmade socks. they took longer than i would have liked because i kept decreasing needle size until i liked the way the pattern lay in the round. unfortunately, that meant i knit these puppies on US 0s. oy.

i also finished that last preemie set for the Warm Hearts, Warm Babies handoff tomorrow.

next to finish up: mittens for my boss. well, those and my dissertation.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

[blink]

my upstairs neighbor was evicted last month. this would be irrelevant to me but my landlady is taking advantage of this opportunity to gut and improve the apartment.

the downsides are:

  • incredibly huge pieces of lumber regularly careen from above to crash into the ground outside my living room. this makes concentration on my writing almost impossible.

  • i have been informed i will soon have an extremely large hole in my kitchen wall that will extend into the ceiling and remain in 'hole' form an extended period of time before being closed.

the upsides are:
  • incredibly huge pieces of lumber regularly careen from above to crash into the ground outside my living room. this creates a certain sense of action movie danger and/or amusement.

  • apparently i will soon have a washer and dryer in my kitchen. well, as soon as the impending hole of doom is closed.


i also have the dubious pleasure of conversations like this:
me: "Just so you know, one of the cats may be in hospital for several days so don't panic if you can't find that one." (me pointing at Mr. Head)

plumber: "Why don't you lock the cats in your bedroom so we don't risk losing them tomorrow."

me: "No problem. I just wanted you to know about Mr. Head in case you need to get in on the weekend since he won't be here."

plumber: "I won't be looking for the cats if I am here. I have no reason to go into your bedroom. When I have no reason to go somewhere, I don't. I find that helps with keeping things simple."

me: "Um, okay. I wasn't going to lock them in the bedroom indefinitely but..."

VERY LOUD CRASH from above and then slightly less loud WHIMPERING

me: "Maybe you better check on Ray?...

I hope he is okay."

[awkward silence]

plumber: "This is why he is missing fingers...

And a vertebrae...

You knew that right?"

me: [blink blink]

plumber: I guess I'd better go look."

chasing the high

yesterday, something wonderful happened. not quite as wonderful as falling in love but close... i got the results back from my protein isolation.

things that are wonderful about my results:

  • even though i did not manage to get all three bands, all three proteins were still present in sufficient quantity in the sample to be sequenced [which really says alot about the specificity of Western blots if you think about it].

  • the proteins identified thus far appear to make sense, not that i want to jinx anything here.

  • antibodies against one of the proteins identified have been associated with multiple immune-mediated diseases in humans, including nephritis. this supports the protein's identity and provides an independent degree of support for my hypothesis that these antibodies are associated with immune-mediated disease in cats.


overall, the results appear to be everything a girl could possibly want. they validate that my research hasn't been total bunk (which i was starting to secretly wonder) and indicate it may in fact be pivotal work. the kind of work that changes things. again, not that i want to jinx anything.

as you can imagine, i felt incredible yesterday. by ten last night though, the high had mostly dissipated. i am recapturing it a bit this morning as i read the human literature on my proteins, but it certainly isn't the same.

i find myself thinking, 'A year of struggle to purify the proteins and the high can't last a bit longer? Sheesh.'

Friday, February 16, 2007

miscellania

as my last few posts have probably already made clear, things are a bit crazy around here. since things always happen all together, that of course means there are many things about which i have not posted. most of these are more of the same but there are two items (of unequal importance) that are not.


Christmas stockings
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
the lesser item of note is that i finished Hailey's stocking. of course, as i made my way into turning the heel, i suddenly realized that the entire colorwork section was meant to be knit flat. this error partially resulted from the spotty nature of the pattern and partially from my own inability to recognize that the fact that knitting the colorwork in the round while managing the tension was positively hideous just might mean something was awry. Mickey would have chuckled herself silly if she was here to see me. (she helped me map the colorwork on my stocking a few years ago when i first decided to try this.)

the foot was completed at what seemed like lightspeed after the long-suffering misery of the leg Saturday night.

then i sat for awhile and contemplated frogging the entire thing and reknitting it to maximize its perfection. i decided that the story and suffering really better capture the love of a handmade Christmas stocking and put it away from me.


for Hailey and Kylie
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
being me, i kept returning in my mind to how much faster and more painfree the work should be if knit flat. knowing that i intended to eventually make one this year for Kylie (my other nieceling), i finally caved and decided to do it now. late Saturday night, i cast on and worked most of the name. Sunday i lazed about with TraV and knit. i decided the stockings should not be identical and put children on the top of Kylie's. this decision i regretted almost immediately because the first two versions looked like ghouls and had to be frogged lest they inspire recurrent nightmares.* even with that challenge, i finished the stocking by midday. it took half the time, at most, of Hailey's.

*TraV still thinks they will lead Kylie's imagination into dark alleys given her quick wit and great zest for living. i stoutly maintain they represent a family of vegetarian Quaker snowpeople who would hurt no one.

i am now finishing up TraV's stripey socks, a pair of mittens for my boss, and a preemie set in time for the Thursday drop. oh yeah, and writing my dissertation. superfun!

in other, bigger, shinier news, Monday was TraV's and my first anniversary of dating. of course, we have packed this week full of celebratory goodness in the form of dentist and 'girlie' doctor appointments, exorbitant transmission blow-outs and committee meetings, preparatory blood work for Mr. Head's procedure* and scientific presentations, and planning meetings with the plumber who is going to tear a hole in my kitchen wall and ceiling to fix the upstairs apartment. if only everyone got to have our romantic rock-n-roll lifestyle. still, we are getting by, still adore each other, and have said very little we will regret.

*he 'gets' to have radioactive iodine therapy to ablate an overactive thyroid. wa-hoo! glow, kitty, glow!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

that clanging from the ocean floor, its me

today in my committee meeting, we set the date for my PhD defense.

as soon as i left the meeting, i started to feel nauseous.

one would think this might have something to do with the two sets of letters... one of my committee members will be attending by teleconference. because the Final Examination Results form has to be turned in basically within a day, i have been instructed to send two sets of forms to Marty. he will then sign one set in the pass column and one set in the fail column and return them for use after the defense has been completed.

Tim, one of my other committee members, said we can celebrate if i pass by burning all the 'Fail' forms. i said, 'Sure. And then we can go scout around in the hallway for my stomach lining.'

realistically, i don't think this is why i feel the walls closing in on me. it is the combination of a ticking clock with outstanding lab results. the committee agreed on a Plan B dissertation structure in case the protein isolation is unrewarding, which is nice. it doesn't change my inability to write up the results and overarching conclusions until i know *something*. [did i mention that the machine used to sequence the protein is currently on the fritz?]

all in all, it is good to have a plan, good to have a framework of expectations...

still, i feel like a naval officer in a top secret nuclear submarine stranded on the ocean floor with 96 hours of oxygen and no one knowing that i am even missing.

[so that you can play along at home, i have installed a countdown timer in the right sidebar.]

a break in my lab luck?

as some of you may know, i have basically spent the last year trying to purify 1-3 proteins so they can be identified. this is the last lingering torment of my PhD. to date, i have tried 3 completely different methodologies and something like 20 combinations of reagents, incubation conditions and antibody preps each. early in the fall i got one methodology to yield one of the bands, but that particular technique yielded a huge overweighting of immunoglobulin. this became my back-up, my Plan B.

when all other options were exhausted, i conceded defeat and decided to harvest the one band from Plan B. my world was completely rocked when i discovered that the protein was not present in great enough density to visualize using the less sensitive stain necessary for protein isolation. efforts to concentrate the solution further actually caused the band to disappear.

these results left me teetering in shock, wondering whether perhaps i am not PhD material.

with no other ideas and nowhere to turn, i decided to call the woman to whom i would be submitting a successful sample to see if perhaps she had any ideas. Jessica is fabulous and, after validating that this is hard to do and that many people don't succeed, came up with several great ideas. since one involved learning a fourth methodology entirely and one might compromise the sample quality, i decided to start with the easy option. i reduced my antibody concentration to 3% of the original recommendations. (note: this was not a scientific level of decrease but instead reflected the most i could decrease the antibody concentration without having to make a separate stock dilution. basically, i was disheartened and lazy.]


A protein road map
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
this magically led to a 1:1 ratio of antibody to protein, which is ideal but makes no sense given the initial starting concentrations and initial band densities. after magic autosubstraction using Photoshop, we are left with this clear illustration of three bands in the right lane. the top is a bit of a mystery band, the middle is the antibody band and the bottom band is my proteinaceous holy grail.

of course the concentration of protein in my sample was far too minute to show up using the cursed (pronounced cur-sed in the style of movie villains) Coomassie stain.

so i spent three days running the column over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again...

...on the same lysate sample since i knew there was plenty of protein in the sample, just a persnickety recalcitrance on the part of the antibody to bind it. yesterday afternoon, knowing i was headed to a committee meeting today and uncertain of how hard to campaign for a failed experiment chapter in my dissertation, i decided to run what i had. before i started, i instructed Jen (my patient, supportive and awesome labmate/friend) to remind me i expected it not to work when it ended up failing. by the time Jen left for the night, i had 20 minutes destaining to go and it was a pretty obvious failure, so she consoled me and i took it well.

twenty minutes later, this is what i slid out onto the glass in preparation to through it in the trash.


A break in my lab luck
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
and there it was. my sweet, sexy, playful, perfect friend - the ~40 kD band.

you are looking at the blob of slimy goo and thinking, 'She is truly unhinged. There is nothing there.'

but it was obvious when held at an angle with the light shining through it. i dragged my advisor down to witness the glory of the band before i cut it out to save for Jessica. unfortunately, to avoid potential keratin contamination (read failed experiment), i could not risk taking it to the image capture system for a photo. so i did the best i could with my camera through the plexiglass hood and without a mount.

if you squint your eyes up till you feel a headache coming on and use the membrane at the top of the post as a guide, you can almost believe what you are seeing on this photo, annotated for your viewing pleasure...



i could cry. i could laugh. i could laugh until i cry.

Jen and i are going for margaritas at the Rio on Saturday to to celebrate. you are welcome to join us.

Monday, February 05, 2007

today is my birthday.

the last few years, bad things have happened on my birthday and although the rational me understands that that does not mean all birthdays will suck, the human part of me was fearful. after a long yesterday spent reflecting on what has been lost and what has been gained these past few years, i was able to approach sleep with some equanimity.

the day broke with a call from my Mom wishing me the best of days, proceeded with joy and laughter and the company of friends, and has ended quite uneventfully. my emotions swing from halting disbelief to a giddy feeling that the dark, dark chapter has finally closed.

i have been quiet of late for so many reasons and know there is much to share, but for tonight i would rather just leave you with this shot of my cake. enjoy!

Monday, January 29, 2007

who knew i would become a multi-project kind of girl?


Preemie sets
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
after a flurried frenzy of Christmas knitting, i took a couple deep breaths... and started back in. although i made a variety of things for charity in honor of special friends, that didn't take care of my public service needs. so to start, i made a couple of preemie sets...

i made a couple burial buntings...


Burial bunting
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
then i felt a lot better about drifting back to less altruistic projects.

Behold! my first pair of socks. i know what you are thinking. you are thinking, 'Why on earth would anyone make socks when you can buy them for two dollars?'

well, i was as sick as sick gets for a while there and reading The Yarn Harlot's books where she waxes poetically about socks. this reminded me of Mickey telling me she used to make all of Grandpa's socks - argyles no less. it just seemed a great way to connect to Mickey's past and i thought it might help me over the stumbling blocks i had trying to make Hailey's stocking last year. i think they turned out pretty cool.


My first socks
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
the best way to really learn something is to do it twice but i wasn't quite ready to make TraV the matching socks he wanted. that is just an awful lot of one shade of blue (on US 1's - no less).

did you know they make a magical thing called self-patterning sock yarn? it is pretty slick but you do have to get the gauge right for the pattern to be 'just so'. sadly, that meant that these are being knit on US 0's.


Self-patterning Socks
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.


a bit like magic. which is saying something since i still find knitting a magical wonder - you just wiggle your hands for a while and fabric appears. its slow magic, i'll grant you, but magic nonetheless. the other cool thing about yarn with stripes or a pattern is that it accentuates the structure of the sock.

well, a girl can only knit so much on US 0's before her fingers start rebelling. i was going to start work on a pair of slippers but didn't have the right needle size. how that is possible is a mystery for me. here i have been knitting twenty years and yet it seems every project requires a new needle. with one and 1/3 pairs of socks under my belt, i felt emboldened to return to the stocking i frogged last year and give it another whirl. to decrease frustration, i bought a second set of needles (US 6, thank heavens) so i didn't have to knit against tension and deployed a liberal amount of yarn bobbins.


Hailey Christmas stocking
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
it is coming along nicely i think. it won't exactly match the ones my Great-grandmother Margaret made for my brother and me, but it will be pretty close. of course, making one commits me to making three. Hailey cannot have one while Kylie and Cailee have none. happily i have about ten months and Cailee is young enough that hers can wait till the next year if necessary.

i also cast on the slippers last night but temporary stupidity led to a big enough error that i frogged it and will have to start again later. the bright shining ray of joy? US 15's baby! (and i really need a new pair of slippers.)

pretty weird for a girl that believes in serial projects, but one cannot live on US 0's alone and evade carpal tunnel forever.

Monday, January 22, 2007

aww, they liked me!


today i arrived home to find this waiting in my mailbox...



and there was more on the back.

i almost cried.

how very lucky i am.

Friday, January 12, 2007

defeating the 'death crud' going around this month

finally starting on the upswing, i have compiled some tips for surviving the Cold of Doom that seems to be circulating coast to coast right now...

1. start the nasty zinc lozenges as soon as you think you might be getting a scratchy throat and don't know why you can't shake that headache. maybe you are not getting sick but why risk it? they are proven to make colds go away faster. by the time i knew i was actually getting sick, i was too sick to pick them up.
2. hot apple cider is easier on a sore throat than OJ and has the same amt of vit C.
3. DayQuil should be taken with food in the stomach. trust me. it is better to eat dry instant oatmeal than take this on an empty stomach. if the first dose doesn't get you, the second will.
4. NyQuil is not a good choice for this cold. remember when Jane Grey got slimed by Toad in the first X-men movie? nuff said.
5. as disgusting as it feels, nothing beats Vicks VapoRub. the shower version is helpful but a tablet is probably good for three or four showers - after 5 minutes, the intensity of the aroma will make you nauseous. [Note: if combined with disregard for #3, expect a burgeoning and intimate relationship with a different fixture in the bathroom.]
6. Mucinex is a good thing. combine with DayQuil for maximal relief.
7. Kleenex with lotion and aloe is your new best friend.
8. you can microwave your buckwheat/rice pack and drape on neck for soothing itch/pain relief without the mess of a poultice.
9. noodle soup can only take you so far. eventually you are going to need protein.
10. you can sleep sitting up if you have enough pillows. in the end you will get more rest than if you alternate between partial asphyxiation and lying down.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

being sick sucks

because i didn't have enough 'fun' when i was sick in December and had to go to hospital, i now have the mother of all colds. i have a croupy cough with miserable congestion and voice loss. my throat feels about how i imagine tenderized meat would, if it happened to still be alive and able to report back on the experience.

i finally had to cave and pick up the Quils, since i haven't slept in two days and the cough drops are only kind of helpful. (i have been avoiding this since they ironically give me a headache.) how crappy i feel was driven home to me when the checkout clerk said, and i quote,

"I hate to say this to a woman, but you look like you feel terrible. Do you need us to get you a ride home?"

sheesh.

wish me luck finding my voice to conclude negotiations with UTK this afternoon...

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Cabled dog sweater knitting pattern

so, i decided to make Glenn a sweater for Christmas, but all the patterns i could find were either too fluffy, too ugly, or unuseful as an actual warming device. after reviewing a large number of patterns in books and online, i ended up synthesizing a pattern of my own. the Patons yarn i used totally rocks for this and wasn't the tiniest bit itchy.

enjoy!




Cabled dog sweater
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
MATERIALS:
US Size 5 and 7 knitting needles (or size needed to match gauge)
Cable stitch holder
Worsted weight yarn, preferably natural fibers to limit risk of skin irritation: ~ 4 ounces for smaller dog, up to 8 ounces for larger dog. I recommend Paton’s Classic Merino Wool.

Gauge: 8 stitches by 14 rows = 2” x 2” on larger size needles.

Measurements:
NOTE: Before starting, you will need to record all the below measurements for your dog. Using a soft tape measure (not a ruler) applied loosely, take the below measurements and record where indicated. This will save time and stress later on.

Neck (about where the collar hits): ____

Size 1 2 3 4 5
Neck circumference 8” 10” 12” 14” 16”
Stitches to cast on 36-38 40-42 44-46 48-50 52-54

Back (from top of shoulder blade all the way to the top of the tail): ____
Chest:
Distance between front legs: ____
From thoracic inlet (pointy tip of bone in the end of the neck) to top of front leg: ____
Whole belly piece:
Male dog: From thoracic inlet to the second to last rib: ____
Female dog: From thoracic inlet to front of the back leg: ____
Front arm hole length: From front of leg to back of leg (be slightly generous): ____

Back piece:
Using smaller needles, loosely cast on ___ stitches as determined by the chart above.
Alternate K2, P2 ribbing until:
1 ½” if want short mock neck for shorter necked dog or dog needing to wear an Invisible Fence or bark collar.
3” if want mock neck for longer necked dog or short turtleneck for dog described above.
6” if want full turtleneck.

Change to larger size needles. Work in stockinette stitch, inserting cables as follows:
For sizes 1 and 2, center 2 smaller cables (4 stitches apiece) separated by 6 stitches in the right side of the piece (see below). For the larger sizes, I would recommend centering 2 larger cables (in parentheses).
Row 1 (right side): Knit.
Row 2: Purl.
Row 3: Place 2 (3) stitches on cable holder and place behind. Knit 2 (3) stitches then knit stitches off of the cable holder.
Row 4: Purl.

Continue in pattern until total length is 2" short of the correct length as measured above.
Switch to smaller size needles and knit 2" of K2, P2 ribbing used for the neck above. Cast off.

Chest piece:
Using the smaller size needles, cast on 3 stitches.
Row 2: Purl.
Row 3: K1, M2 in next stitch, K1. (5st)
Row 4: Purl.
Continue in stockinette, increasing 1 stitch on each edge of right-sided rows as follows: K2, M1, K to last 3 stitches, M1, K2.
When you reach the width indicated between the front legs, stop increasing. Work in straight stockinette until you reach 1 inch shy of the total chest length you noted above.
Work the last inch in K2, P2 ribbing as for the neck.
Work 6 stitches in ribbing and place on a stitch holder, then bind off stitches until you get to the last 6 stitches. Work these stitches in ribbing until the total length including this edge matches that of the back piece. Bind off.
Pick up 6 stitches from the stitch holder and work in ribbing until length matches other side. Bind off.

Finish work:
Sew the neck seam, remembering to sew halfway down on the right-side and switch then to the inside for a turtleneck.
Place the chest piece at the bottom of the neck rib, and sew a seam down both sides, until the chest piece length is equal to the thoracic inlet-leg measurement.
Leave an opening for the front legs equal to the length you noted above and continue the seams down each side to the bottom.
Weave in loose ends.
Pick up 4 stitches on the bottom of the back ribbing at the corner (see photo if confused). Knit in stockinette until stirrup is appropriate length to fasten where the ribbing started without pulling on the dog’s groin. This particular measurement should be made with the sweater on the dog.
Attach the stirrup by Ktog the stirrup stitches with the four stitches directly above the ribbing on the back piece while binding off.
Pick up four stitches on the other corner and knit other stirrup to match.
Weave in ends and block.

Options:
If in an area with high snowfall, consider picking up stitches around front leg openings and knitting in K2 P2 ribbing 1-3 inches.
Instead of knitting the neck in rib, for a polo or rugby style, knit neck in K1P1 ribbing or reverse stockinette (P on ‘right side) for 3-5 inches. Start the neck seam 1 inch from the bottom, and fold down the top to make a collar. In this case, eliminate cables and knit in stockinette in alternating large and narrow stripes of gray and blue.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Happy holidays from the land of the 'Holiday blizzard'!


Holiday blizzard fun
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
after shoveling two feet of snow off my sidewalk, i headed downtown to explore. most everyone is traversing the roads using snowshoes or cross-country skis though there are a couple people on clearer roads using mountain bikes.

it is wonderful and cheery outside. neighbors and strangers chatting, Christmas music blaring from houses as they shovel their walks, dogs galumphing through snowbanks and chasing squirrels up trees. everything that a White Christmas should have.

now i am home snug with a Christmas movie on the set and ready to finish a Christmas present for my sister-in-law with a cat on my lap and a song in my heart!

everyone have a merry, merry!

with love, j

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

my Christmas 'letter'

my life has been peppered with happenings since last i wrote. research has been frantic yet slow. i have been working doggedly to complete the lingering bits of three different projects. all continue to thwart my efforts, dragging on slowly. still, progress is being made and i am hopeful to have all the bench work complete by the new year or end of January at the latest. once i pull that together, i will be left with writing up the papers, finishing my dissertation, preparing for and sitting my defense. today was spent on a combination of lab work and inroads into the papers. December is always hideous this way since research abstracts for the Internal Medicine College are due the first Friday of January. blech.

i have been offered a job, an Assistant Professorship (tenure-track) in Internal Medicine at UT Knoxville. the department is just wonderful and i absolutely love the faculty. Grandma would have been so very happy about this job - it is a shame it all didn't come together sooner, but i can hear her so clearly in my head saying, 'I am just so proud of you, honey. You deserve it.'

i just returned from a second interview/prelim negotiations a week ago. they understand i need to finish my PhD and are aiming for a July 1 start date. aside from the sheer honor of being offered 'one of the most coveted IM positions in academia,' this job offers the added blessing of placing me within a few short hours drive of my Mom. living this close, we could even do weekend 'playdates'! right now, i am threading my way through the bog of negotiations and details. along the way, i stumbled across an useful primer online that has been very enlightening. the biggest challenge for me right now is maintaining objectivity, important since one really can never change things in academia once an offer is accepted. oy. it is hard to see how this could go awry but anything can happen so no "Change of Address' forms yet!

TraV is incredibly proud of me, or so he keeps saying, and will be making the move with me if things work out wrt UTK. a bit scary - okay, a lot scary - as this is the first time a someone has ever made a choice like this, chosen me per se, instead of choosing something that takes them away from me.

unfortunately, it seems that the house is finally reaping the 'rewards' of so many plumbing problems. i have been quite bogged down with headaches, malaise, and allergies since the heat kicked on this fall. after trying high allergen heat filters, electrostatic vent filter covers, aggressive spring cleaning etc, i am fairly certain that there is some sort of toxic mold thriving in the vent system. this has placed me in a bit of a pickle, since it seems crazy [not to mention expensive] to move now and then possibly again in just a few months. i finally called the landlady and explained the situation, asking her to have the vents cleaned. she is going to look into the matter and get back to me once she finds someone reputable. i would be willing to pay half the cost if i have to (it'd certainly be cheaper than moving) but i cannot stay if something doesn't give. TraV has taken to calling my place the 'House of Doom'. the cats both are suffering allergies, he gets draggy when here and i am simply worn through.

last Monday i started with a nasty headache that became a migrane by Thursday. Thursday i also ended up with vomiting, fever and chills, and Friday i actually had to go to the hospital for IV fluids and shots. i have never suffered such severe pain before (as proven by pain beating brain and me going to the hospital) and all i can say is Halleluyah for Western medicine (and Denny for giving me a ride to the doc)... the doc thinks i had migraine compounded by a nasty virus; i am still recovering to some degree. when you start out run down and toxic, it is kinda hard to fight the crud, you know?

Christmas is fast approaching. it has been a challenging quandary for me this year. somehow, this year it seems more important than ever that Christmas be celebrated by giving 'out'. after much thought, i have finally committed to a course of good works in lieu of presents. for example, i have purchased a slew of toys for the pediatric unit at PVH that will be donated in people's honor instead of buying things for them directly and so on and so forth. it definitely feels more 'right' to me, more in keeping with Carol Bird's wishes as it were, but time is short till Christmas and my energy not what it should be.


my Christmas tree
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
i picked up two new Christmas albums (new to me that is) - Ultra-Lounge Christmas Cocktails vol 2 and 3 that are bringing me much pleasure, though Fairytale of New York and Please Daddy, don't get drunk on Christmas will always have their place. Christmas movies are in high season and i shamelessly wallow in them, watching a dead son heal his family, a slew of Santas bring hope to a slew of children, Peter Falk bring together a 'lost' town, James Caan learn the true meaning of Christmas, and Amahl's encounter with the 3 kings.

it is a season of happy endings and hope, two things of which a girl can never have enough. this is what i think of as i sit and bask in the lights from my lovely tree, brimming over with delights for unsuspecting little ones, while i knit another baby sweater or scarf.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Avalanche hockey scarf knitting pattern


TraVy in his Av scarf
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.

I used Caron Simply Soft yarn to make this, basically because they had the exact right colors.

Blue, burgundy/red, and white yarn.
Needles: US8 and US6

Scarf:
Using larger size needles, CO ~36 stitches. Knit in whatever pattern you want until almost out of yarn then bind off all stitches. I did a 'key' variation of 12 rows as follows:
Row 1: K2, P3, repeat to last 2 stitches. End with K2.
Row 2: P2, K3, repeat to last 2 stitches. End with P2.
Repeat rows 1 and 2 three times.
Row 9: P2, K3, repeat to last 2 stitches. End with P2.
Row 10: K2, P3, repeat to last 2 stitches. End with K2.
Repeat rows 9 & 10 once.
Start over with Row 1.

The ‘A’:
Using smaller size needles, CO 3 stitches. Purl all stitches on wrong side rows.
Row 1: K1, m3, K1.
Row 3: K1, m1, K1, m1, K1.
Row 5: K2, m1, K1, m1, K2.
Row 7: K2, m1, K2, m1, K1, m1, K1.
Row 9: K2, m1, K7, m1, K1.
Row 11: K2, m1, K8, m1, K2.
Row 13: K2, m1 K5. Using separate yarn, K5, m1, K2. Work each side separately.
Rows 15, 17, 19, and 21: K2, m1, K3, K2tog; sl1over, K3, m1, K2.
Row 23: K first side, CO 5, K second side using first yarn. (This is the beginning of the crossbar in the A.)
Rows 25 and 27: K2, m1, K to last 3, m1, K2.
Row 29: K2, m1, K9. Attach second yarn, cast off 5, K9, m1, K2.
Rows 31, 33, and 35: K2, m1, K to last 2, K2tog. Reverse pattern for second side.
Row 36 (wrong side): Purl first yarn. Cast off 3 with second yarn, P remaining.
Row 37: K2, m1, K to end. Cast off 6, K to end.
Row 38: Purl first yarn. CP 9, P to end.
Row 39: K2, m1, K to end. Cast off all stitches on second side.
Row 40: Cast off all stitches.

The wavy lines:
Using smaller size needles, CO 3 stitches. Work in stockinette for varying lengths. Cast off.

Sew ‘A’ on one end using remaining blue yarn. Sew wavy lines in place using blue yarn.

Friday, November 10, 2006

'how to' guide for patient advocacy

i was recently asked to provide tips for a friend on successful patient advocacy given my long track record with Mom and Grandma. i am including those tips below. the one most important thing i would say is that anyone who wishes to successfully survive a serious illness needs at least one patient advocate. although it is helpful if this person has a medical background, that does not mean that a medical person doesn't need an advocate. nor does it mean that a family with no 'medical' people is doomed.


important things:
1. find out EVERY doctor that is working on the case and which doctor is responsible for each problem. in doing this with both my mother and grandmother, i discovered several problems that were not being addressed by anyone as doctors worried about stepping on each other's toes. also, pre-emptively identify when doctors are going to be going off clinics and who their replacements will be so that things that can be are wrapped up before shift changes.
2. once you find out the complete listing of problems, rank the biggest 2-3 and ake sure to speak directly with the doctors managing those problems. make sure that you have a clear understanding of the associated plans for problems that will span multiple doctors. that way you can catch when things veer off course or are forgotten.
3. write EVERYTHING down. ask doctors to spell their names and words (even if you think you know) so that they know you are doing this, esp if the advocate is working over the phone. repeat back information that seems incomplete, conflicting or that you suspect is fragmented. that way, you point out the inconsistencies without actually pointing them out and making the doctor defensive.
4. find out a convenient time to talk to each doctor and set it as an expectation that you will do so. this needs to be done explicitly or you will be forgotten. realistically, without a set update time, it is almost impossible for even those people who are 'on the scene' to get info as the doc comes in when he is free and basically looks at the chart, says things are fine and leaves. a lot of times they will NOT share information on new problems because people tend to assume someone else already has and the nurse usually isn't at liberty to be specific or particularly informative.
5. make sure to find out every single medication and dosage administered as well as every test. it is easy for something to get carried over at a loading dosage throughout a stay or for an empiric/ pre-emptive treatment to be continued once a cause is already ruled out, esp if the doctors change on a case. having to list all the drugs and dosages to someone often causes doctors to catch such errors before you could.

now, all of the above requires more time from the doctors and more attention to [insert patient name]'s case. to offset this:
1. reiterate appreciation for their attention each time they do something extra ('I just want to thank you again for taking the time to round with me. I know how very busy you are and will be as brief as possible.').
2. express unequivocal understanding when non-lifethreatening procedures and treatments are delayed ('We understand. We certainly want for the patients with more pressing needs to be attended to first--we know that same attention will be focused on [insert name] first when he needs it.').
3. send chocolates to the floor caring for your [insert patient] or some similar treat every 2-3 days with a note thanking the staff for their caring attention and patience.
4. most importantly, reiterate to each doctor something like this: 'I understand it is hard to chat with me on top of everything else. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am the token medical in the family and it greatly eases my family's concern when I am 'in the know' and can reexplain things to them when they get confused. As I am sure you are quite aware of, non-medicals can get easily overwhelmed and forget the 'whys' a lot. By explaining once to me, I can explain 10 times to them and keep them calm and compliant.'

if you are not medical, go with something like this: 'I understand it is hard to chat with me on top of everything else. it greatly eases my family's concern to know that one person is keeping track of all the information so we can learn more on our own time. by having everything written down, i can reexplain things to different family members when they get involved or get confused. As I am sure you are quite aware of, patients and family members can get easily overwhelmed and forget the 'whys'. By explaining once to me, I can explain 10 times to each involved family member and keep them calm and out of everyone's hair.'
5. read about the disease, tests, and treatments being discussed. now, no one would expect you to become a doctor or disease specialist, but you can improve your odds of getting good care if you know the right questions to ask. reliable 'plain speak' about medical issues can be found at WebMD or its more technical 'sister' eMedicine.

getting updates basically revolves around being polite but doggedly persistent and informed but not a know-it-all. if things aren't right, do not hesitate to say so and be committed to being a friendly but immovable rock until they are fixed.

finally, don't forget to take care of yourself. if you don't, who will be left to be the advocate?

what about Eliza?

with the recent wins in the US House and Senate, CO Governor seat, and the two local races I cared about, i find this continuous running through my head:

Pickering Tonight, old man, you did it!
You did it! You did it! You said that you would do it,
And indeed you did. I thought that you would rue it;
I doubted you'd do it. But now I must admit it
That succeed you did. You should get a medal
Or be even made a knight. Henry It was nothing.
Really nothing. Pickering All alone you hurdled
Ev'ry obstacle in sight. Henry Now, wait! Now, wait!
Give credit where it's due, A lot of the glory goes to you.
Pickering But you're the one who did it,
Who did it, who did it! As sturdy as Gibraltar,
Not a second did you falter. There's no doubt about it,
You did it! I must have aged a year tonight.
At times I thought I'd die of fright.

first because it is silly and jubilant, but now more consistently because i see the mainsteam politicos and progressive blogoshere vying for credit.

the self-trumpetting vindicatory talk on the blogosphere is the greater disappointment, because it sends a message of superiority that may alienate the new young progressives that generally refuse to label themselves 'liberals' because of the connotation of preachy self-righteousness. these individuals are a big part of the great victory and their alienation could have disastrous consequences in '08. they are, to a large degree, the Eliza of this story.

ah well. hopefully my concerns are just the result of overcautiousness because this victory has been so very long in coming.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

the big black time suck of political volunteering

since i took on the Webmaster gig for my house district candidate, it has been remarkable how little time i have left for writing. this mainly reflects the challenges of a local campaign where everyone also must tend to 'day jobs' and the cost-effective (read free) solutions to problems often require MacGyvering. it has been an amazing experience though, at the same time, a depressing one. over the last 8 plus months, close scrutiny of the new and baffling ways candidates (mine excluded of course) have found to decivilize our society has led to an almost unavoidable funk. now, thankfully, the torture has ended (at least until i next take leave of my senses and volunteer for a campaign).

happily, not only has the darkness ended, it has been replaced by a beautiful, shiny day. the US House has been retaken with a margin so wide as to classify as a mandate. the AP reports that Tester's and Webb's leads will hold and Dems gain control of the US Senate. Rumsfeld has resigned. Hastert has announced he's tucked his tail firmly between his legs. in my personal House District, McClusckey-the incumbent Republican who went centrist last cycle after narrowly escaping defeat to John Kefalas- was defeated by the John Kefales by three times the margin last year. Kefalas, proving himself to be who he promised, sent this message out:

I would also like to thank State Representative Bob McCluskey for his public service. I know that almost half the voters preferred the incumbent, and I hope to win their trust and support in the coming months. I will strive to represent all of House District 52, not just those who voted for me.

This is not my victory alone. It is our victory. It shows you can still get elected to the people's house without big money, pollsters, consultants, spin-doctors or focus groups, and without going negative.

the wait last night was almost intolerable, as the results slowly slipped across the ticker on the bottom of the page. eventually, i 'broke' into the Business Center and essentially became the the 'ready room.' it was the first time i have been referred to as a wonk, and by more than one person mind you! i was terribly entertained.

in the end, my candidate - whose fate i am sure you are anxiously awaiting - handily outstripped his opponent by over a twenty point margin! we were all very proud as you can imagine.

so it has been a good day, a very good day.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"After Pat's Birthday"

Below follows an article written by Kevin Tillman and originally posted here. be prepared to shed many tears.



Pat and Kevin Tillman

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we got out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:
Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.


Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,
Kevin Tillman

things to know...

Jon Kyl Rick Renzi J.D. Hayworth John Doolittle Richard Pombo Brian Bilbray Marilyn Musgrave Doug Lamborn Rick O'Donnell Christopher Shays Vernon Buchanan Joe Negron Clay Shaw Bill Sali Mark Kirk Dennis Hastert Chris Chocola John Hostettler Mike Whalen Jim Ryun Anne Northup Geoff Davis Michael Steele Gil Gutknecht Michele Bachmann Jim Talent Conrad Burns Jon Porter Charlie Bass Mike Ferguson Heather Wilson Peter King John Sweeney Tom Reynolds Randy Kuhl Robin Hayes Charles Taylor Steve Chabot Jean Schmidt Deborah Pryce Joy Padgett Melissa Hart Curt Weldon Mike Fitzpatrick Don Sherwood Lincoln Chafee Bob Corker George Allen Frank Wolf Mike McGavick Dave Reichert Ned Lamont Ben Cardin Debbie Stabenow Claire McCaskill Jon Tester Bob Menendez Harold Ford James Webb John Salazar Jim Marshall John Barrow Leonard Boswell Melissa Bean Phil Hare Julia Carson Brad Miller John Murtha Alan Mollohan Gabrielle Giffords Diane Farrell Chris Murphy Ed Perlmutter Bruce Braley Tammy Duckworth Joe Donnelly Brad Ellsworth Baron Hill Christine Jennings Tim Mahoney Ron Klein John Yarmuth Heath Shuler Patty Wetterling Patricia Madrid Kirsten Gillibrand Michael Arcuri Jack Davis Mary Jo Kilroy Zack Space Lois Murphy Patrick Murphy Joe Sestak Chris Carney Phil Kellam Steve Kagen

But, if I said something that was truly offensive, please let me know what it was so I can retract it and use it on someone I want to offend (you sonsofbitches know who you are!)
--democommie | 10.22.05 - 10:53 am

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Schadenfreude?

today, in the midst of my gym work-out, my iPod experienced what appears to be some sort of terminal processor error. i cannot reset it with control 'keys' nor find any place in which to stick a safety pin. in retrospect, this has probably been coming on for over a week given problems syncing with my newly repaired iBook etc.

it seems sick somehow, but i cannot help but be amused by the continuing technological revolt. it begs the question, 'can Schadenfreude be self-referential?' or is this merely a reflection of the increasing daily awareness of an 'old-new' mantra of mine, 'life is too short...'

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Paula’s Press Release Volume V

there has been much sorrow and loss of late, though some has been accompanied by the privilege of reflection and sharing. i owe an entry about Grandma's memorial service, i know, but for now i delight in presenting some good news. attached please find Paula's most recent 'release.' for those who may not know, Paula is my 30-year old cousin diagnosed this last Christmas eve with an inoperable brain tumor...




Celebrate Life pin
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
(Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now)

Normally, I have religious type songs popping into my mind at critical points in my life these days. Today, it was Johnny Nash’s Bright Sun-Shiny Day that jumped into my mind while driving home from Mayo Clinic’s Gonda Building. I take my last chemo pills tonight @ 10 pm. This will end my final round of chemotherapy, and will be the end of any scheduled treatments for my well-attended to tumor.

Throughout my treatment, I have had many obstacles. I was unable to drive from January through July. The Mayo Clinic computer server went down my second day of radiation and I had to wait over one hour to finish the treatment. I had nausea and vomiting throughout my chemotherapy, although the doctors had assured me prior to taking the medication that I probably would have no side effects. I had a bought with serious depression in May (nothing new, but never fun). My medical insurance was cut through my workplace (luckily I had Pat’s insurance coverage to back mine up). I had chemo-related anemia. I had an anaphylactic reaction to IV iron. I had to go through 4+ hours of mental testing to be sure my brain was functioning correctly (it is, by the way). I did, however, get diagnosed with ADD/ADHD tendencies (surprise, I know). Pat found out he has sleep apnea and was getting 0% REM or deep sleep. My computer was in for service more than it was available for my use at home. Pat returned to coaching football and teaching math (football takes him to Rochester for practices and meetings 7 days a week). I had a “negative encounter” with a friend’s dog. Oh yeah, I also was blessed with the stomach flu last week.

Although there were obstacles, there were many sun-shiny days as well. I have made so many new friends, found out so much more about myself, my husband, and my children than I ever thought I could. I have also learned that I need to take time for myself and to do things just for me. I have become a true Christian, believing that there is a higher power guiding our every step here on Earth. With typing the last sentence, another song has barged into my brain. It is the song “Earth and All Stars” (p. 558, Lutheran Book of Worship, Augsburg Publishing House, Mpls). I won’t type all of the lyrics, just the refrain, which says, “He has done marvelous things, I too will praise him with a new song”.

The picture of the pin at the beginning of this note is what I received from Mayo today, signifying the end of my chemotherapy. Dr. Buckner mentioned last week that patients receiving IV chemo get a pin when they complete their treatment. I said “Where’s my pin? I want a pin.” He said “I shouldn’t have said anything”. So today, I marched right on up to the chemotherapy unit desk and said “I want my freaking pin”. Not really, just kidding. I did go up to the desk today, but I asked quite politely if I could possibly have a pin since I was finishing chemo tonight. They graciously brought one out and placed it in my hand. I cried. I haven’t been able to set it down or let it out of my sight since I received it this morning. What a blessing to have made it this far and still be as spunky as I always have been. I really am seeing clearly now.

I will continue to have MRI’s and blood tests every 3 months for three years. As far as anyone can say, there shouldn’t be any tumor growth that will need attention for many years. Please pray for this to be true.

You haven’t heard the last from me yet, I’ll continue to send updates every once in a while. And PLEASE, continue to send me your updates as well.

My love to you all,

Paula

Monday, September 18, 2006

Aarrr

i broke with a migraine the day after Labor Day that only appears to be letting up right now. my computer died on the 7th and had to be sent in for repairs. this tipped me over the edge of the cliff of nervous breakdowns, but TraV helped me levitate back right up until he made our dinner with rancid butter on the 11th... happily, neither of us ate much before discovering the problem, and the thought was so kind as to outweigh the resultant hunger.

i flew out on the 12th for 2 days of interviews for a tenure track faculty position at UTK. it was a great trip although the daunting schedule (2 1/2 15 hour interview days) combined with raucous debauchery in the hotel (no, not mine) left me totally dead.

on Saturday, i got up, packed, lifted my hex on the loud hotel inhabitants and drove from Knoxville to Nashville. i arrived with a couple hours to spare before my Grandma's memorial service. the service and dinner were wonderful and joyful celebrations, in their own way, of a spirited saucy lady. (more on this hopefully to come.)

Sunday morning, the remaining family met for a long brunch, filled with enough laughter to leave my cheeks and stomach aching. then back to Denver and crashing at TraV's. it is silly how we miss each other when apart but that brings its own pleasure.

today i raced home, beating the FedEx driver by a mere 5 minutes. newly functional computer in hand - the processor had to be replaced - i spent today unpacking, cleaning up after the cats and trying to sort through the files on the loaner computer, jump drive, external back-up and laptop.

this has, quite unfortunately, left me very little time to study for Talk Like a Pirate Day. happily, i lucked into a tutorial that has brought me up to speed.

tomorrow i look forward to shiverin' yer timbers, you salty sea dogs! but fer now, i'm off to lash my moors and put this buxom wench to rest...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

PEMI

everyone has their own personal emergency morale infusion (PEMI) resources.

this is mine.

sure, it is a ridiculously silly TV commercial. it wasn't previously available online, so i would have to wait for the right time slot and watch watch watch for it.

until now.

the good people at Good Times have hooked me up for which i am incredibly grateful...

so i am sharing the wealth.