Friday, August 04, 2006

how to figure 'one thing' out

Grandma continues to deteriorate but in a very positive way. her medical status is much more stable yet i suspect her ties to her body much more fragmented.

Grandma was much more peaceful overall today. mentally she was much more withdrawn and had 'let go' of icky details of the last couple days. this distance was more marked than expected based on and temporally inconsistent with her medications. much more of her conversations seem to be with either people on the other side of the veil or with memories. these are very, very positive changes as they are consistent with the early stages in the transition to death.

it is a peculiar thing to be rejoicing in this transition, to be reveling on some level in every negative prognostic sign. even as i find myself joyful and grateful for every clue that Grandma is separating from her 'mortal vessel', i cannot stop the tears. so terribly proud i am of her strength and caring and joy, so happy that her pain seems to be easing. at the same time, so destroyed to see this moment i simply could not imagine closing in and knowing soon she will not be there to tease and to tell the story of 'Dos Margaritas.'

as i mentioned above, today her dialogue was much less present. at the same time, overall the conversation was much less pleading, much less tortured. Mickey laughed several times today. not the laugh-devolving-into-a-coughing-jag of the past, but a wonderful and naughty chuckle. at one point, i asked what she was laughing about. 'just love to laugh,' she said. that she does - i will never forget the joy of overhearing Mickey reading the comics. she is the only person i have ever known to laugh outloud while doing so.

Grandma spoke of crossing a bridge and told me there was 'just one thing I need to figure out.' it took me a while but i think that thing was dying. then she asked, 'When will the adventure begin?' 'Soon,' I promised, 'soon.' 'I just love you all so very much. I am just so tired, so tired.' 'We know. We love you too. It is okay. You cross any bridge you want. We are just so very proud of you, so very proud.'

that we are. so proud and honored to have known her all these years and loved her so dearly.

Paul, her brother, and his wife Trudy arrived last night; they met us first thing to go to the hospital this morning. we checked in with Paul and Trudy tonight in case they thought we were 'circling' in our desire for her passing. Paul chuckled and cried some but said, 'Well, if there was any doubt, it would have been gone when we walked in. The first words out of Mickey's mouth were, "I told them I wanted to die."'

she has repeated this clearly several times and i pointed out that this was between her and God. she seems to be doing her best. she said she wanted to go to Jimmy Kellys and said it has been the happiest of times. i would agree. our time as a family has been precious and full.

Mickey is indeed a brilliant spark, filling the sky of our existence with her sass and her sensibilities. i hope this next adventure begins for her as soon as is right and that it is filled with as much sparkle and wonder as such a jewel deserves.

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