Friday, December 02, 2005

half-truth

i have a problem. it is a little problem in the grand scheme of things but is my current one so... [shrug]

Thanksgiving did not go as well as hoped. in the end, the very end, things got worked out but first there was angst and drama and so on. then i was on to San Diego, which incidentally was wicked fun in its own way.

part of the trouble is that i received the written portion of my Prelim about two days ago, and the deadline for completing it was cut from 14 days to basically 8 days. for my part, the written version of the full grant proposal was due to committee yesterday. by chance, after all the above was already scheduled, i was also scheduled (non-negotiable) to present for the college on my ongoing research the day before the written Prelim portion is due and the ongoing stuff doesn't have anything to do with anything else. i just received the stats back for the ongoing stuff on Thanksgiving so i haven't had any ability to work on the presentation before now.

so.

in the next 6 days, i have to interpret all the stats on a 3 year project and put together a Powerpoint presentation on the results. in the next 7 days, i have to answer 4 questions for my Prelim exam, each of which requires realistically 2 weeks effort. after that deadline, i will have 3 days to put together the slides for the oral portion of my Prelim which i will sit on the 12th. right now, i feel the same trepidation and hopelessness one might experience while skating on an event horizon without a helmet.

so the actual 'problem' is much smaller. see, my boss knew a bit about the impending Thanksgiving challenges. for good reason, he was worried about me but he also is currently in Sweden. i suck at disingenuity but feel like talking about this mess with him won't help. so he has been asking questions that i have been talking around. the first several exchanges were easy as he asked content points as well. i simply only replied to the content, but with a distracted air like i just hadn't time to address non-pressing things. this is a technique i have learned from him so it is not surprising that he finally changed tactics. this is what has followed:

[him] I hope you survived Thanksgiving.
[me] barely but survived.


::couple vague skirting emails::

[me] you wouldn't let this go ahead if you thought i was going to humiliate myself, would you?
[him] I am extremely proud of you and have no doubt you will do your regular oustanding job!


:: long pause in emails while i was in travel. also, didn't really have anything else to say. sent the committee-wide email that the grant was in their boxes for review::

[him] Hope you recovering. Beautiful here but cat is sick as hell.
NB: cat is his wife, not an actual cat on holiday.
[me] dammit. stop slipping her Imuran for cryin' out loud.
[him] I'll try! But are you ok? Life is good!


so the problem is that i have to reply. as you can guess from the above, i am not okay. 80% of me wants to quit and run away to Central America or back to France, but i know that is mostly the depression talking. so i am again pushing through sheerly based on willpower and, frankly, i am doubtful i can pull this out. i have almost written back "well enough" but that still seems a lie. another option is to pretend i didn't get the email since he occasionally gets that report from others.



any suggestions?

1 comment:

Dave & Nancy Estes Park said...

If anybody has the brains and the ability to get through this it's you! Just keep the distractions to a minimum, focus and just get it done. You will feel great at the end. Oh yeah and don't agonize over the writing, just be the intelligent wonderful person you are. Love you
Nancy PS we won't distract you til this is done. Let us know how it goes.