"After Pat's Birthday"

Below follows an article written by Kevin Tillman and originally posted here. be prepared to shed many tears.

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It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we got out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.


Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,
Kevin Tillman

things to know...

Jon Kyl Rick Renzi J.D. Hayworth John Doolittle Richard Pombo Brian Bilbray Marilyn Musgrave Doug Lamborn Rick O'Donnell Christopher Shays Vernon Buchanan Joe Negron Clay Shaw Bill Sali Mark Kirk Dennis Hastert Chris Chocola John Hostettler Mike Whalen Jim Ryun Anne Northup Geoff Davis Michael Steele Gil Gutknecht Michele Bachmann Jim Talent Conrad Burns Jon Porter Charlie Bass Mike Ferguson Heather Wilson Peter King John Sweeney Tom Reynolds Randy Kuhl Robin Hayes Charles Taylor Steve Chabot Jean Schmidt Deborah Pryce Joy Padgett Melissa Hart Curt Weldon Mike Fitzpatrick Don Sherwood Lincoln Chafee Bob Corker George Allen Frank Wolf Mike McGavick Dave Reichert Ned Lamont Ben Cardin Debbie Stabenow Claire McCaskill Jon Tester Bob Menendez Harold Ford James Webb John Salazar Jim Marshall John Barrow Leonard Boswell Melissa Bean Phil Hare Julia Carson Brad Miller John Murtha Alan Mollohan Gabrielle Giffords Diane Farrell Chris Murphy Ed Perlmutter Bruce Braley Tammy Duckworth Joe Donnelly Brad Ellsworth Baron Hill Christine Jennings Tim Mahoney Ron Klein John Yarmuth Heath Shuler Patty Wetterling Patricia Madrid Kirsten Gillibrand Michael Arcuri Jack Davis Mary Jo Kilroy Zack Space Lois Murphy Patrick Murphy Joe Sestak Chris Carney Phil Kellam Steve Kagen

But, if I said something that was truly offensive, please let me know what it was so I can retract it and use it on someone I want to offend (you sonsofbitches know who you are!)
--democommie | 10.22.05 - 10:53 am

Schadenfreude?

today, in the midst of my gym work-out, my iPod experienced what appears to be some sort of terminal processor error. i cannot reset it with control 'keys' nor find any place in which to stick a safety pin. in retrospect, this has probably been coming on for over a week given problems syncing with my newly repaired iBook etc.

it seems sick somehow, but i cannot help but be amused by the continuing technological revolt. it begs the question, 'can Schadenfreude be self-referential?' or is this merely a reflection of the increasing daily awareness of an 'old-new' mantra of mine, 'life is too short...'

Paula’s Press Release Volume V

there has been much sorrow and loss of late, though some has been accompanied by the privilege of reflection and sharing. i owe an entry about Grandma's memorial service, i know, but for now i delight in presenting some good news. attached please find Paula's most recent 'release.' for those who may not know, Paula is my 30-year old cousin diagnosed this last Christmas eve with an inoperable brain tumor...

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Celebrate Life pin
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
(Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now)

Normally, I have religious type songs popping into my mind at critical points in my life these days. Today, it was Johnny Nash’s Bright Sun-Shiny Day that jumped into my mind while driving home from Mayo Clinic’s Gonda Building. I take my last chemo pills tonight @ 10 pm. This will end my final round of chemotherapy, and will be the end of any scheduled treatments for my well-attended to tumor.

Throughout my treatment, I have had many obstacles. I was unable to drive from January through July. The Mayo Clinic computer server went down my second day of radiation and I had to wait over one hour to finish the treatment. I had nausea and vomiting throughout my chemotherapy, although the doctors had assured me prior to taking the medication that I probably would have no side effects. I had a bought with serious depression in May (nothing new, but never fun). My medical insurance was cut through my workplace (luckily I had Pat’s insurance coverage to back mine up). I had chemo-related anemia. I had an anaphylactic reaction to IV iron. I had to go through 4+ hours of mental testing to be sure my brain was functioning correctly (it is, by the way). I did, however, get diagnosed with ADD/ADHD tendencies (surprise, I know). Pat found out he has sleep apnea and was getting 0% REM or deep sleep. My computer was in for service more than it was available for my use at home. Pat returned to coaching football and teaching math (football takes him to Rochester for practices and meetings 7 days a week). I had a “negative encounter” with a friend’s dog. Oh yeah, I also was blessed with the stomach flu last week.

Although there were obstacles, there were many sun-shiny days as well. I have made so many new friends, found out so much more about myself, my husband, and my children than I ever thought I could. I have also learned that I need to take time for myself and to do things just for me. I have become a true Christian, believing that there is a higher power guiding our every step here on Earth. With typing the last sentence, another song has barged into my brain. It is the song “Earth and All Stars” (p. 558, Lutheran Book of Worship, Augsburg Publishing House, Mpls). I won’t type all of the lyrics, just the refrain, which says, “He has done marvelous things, I too will praise him with a new song”.

The picture of the pin at the beginning of this note is what I received from Mayo today, signifying the end of my chemotherapy. Dr. Buckner mentioned last week that patients receiving IV chemo get a pin when they complete their treatment. I said “Where’s my pin? I want a pin.” He said “I shouldn’t have said anything”. So today, I marched right on up to the chemotherapy unit desk and said “I want my freaking pin”. Not really, just kidding. I did go up to the desk today, but I asked quite politely if I could possibly have a pin since I was finishing chemo tonight. They graciously brought one out and placed it in my hand. I cried. I haven’t been able to set it down or let it out of my sight since I received it this morning. What a blessing to have made it this far and still be as spunky as I always have been. I really am seeing clearly now.

I will continue to have MRI’s and blood tests every 3 months for three years. As far as anyone can say, there shouldn’t be any tumor growth that will need attention for many years. Please pray for this to be true.

You haven’t heard the last from me yet, I’ll continue to send updates every once in a while. And PLEASE, continue to send me your updates as well.

My love to you all,

Paula

Aarrr

i broke with a migraine the day after Labor Day that only appears to be letting up right now. my computer died on the 7th and had to be sent in for repairs. this tipped me over the edge of the cliff of nervous breakdowns, but TraV helped me levitate back right up until he made our dinner with rancid butter on the 11th... happily, neither of us ate much before discovering the problem, and the thought was so kind as to outweigh the resultant hunger.

i flew out on the 12th for 2 days of interviews for a tenure track faculty position at UTK. it was a great trip although the daunting schedule (2 1/2 15 hour interview days) combined with raucous debauchery in the hotel (no, not mine) left me totally dead.

on Saturday, i got up, packed, lifted my hex on the loud hotel inhabitants and drove from Knoxville to Nashville. i arrived with a couple hours to spare before my Grandma's memorial service. the service and dinner were wonderful and joyful celebrations, in their own way, of a spirited saucy lady. (more on this hopefully to come.)

Sunday morning, the remaining family met for a long brunch, filled with enough laughter to leave my cheeks and stomach aching. then back to Denver and crashing at TraV's. it is silly how we miss each other when apart but that brings its own pleasure.

today i raced home, beating the FedEx driver by a mere 5 minutes. newly functional computer in hand - the processor had to be replaced - i spent today unpacking, cleaning up after the cats and trying to sort through the files on the loaner computer, jump drive, external back-up and laptop.

this has, quite unfortunately, left me very little time to study for Talk Like a Pirate Day. happily, i lucked into a tutorial that has brought me up to speed.

tomorrow i look forward to shiverin' yer timbers, you salty sea dogs! but fer now, i'm off to lash my moors and put this buxom wench to rest...

PEMI

everyone has their own personal emergency morale infusion (PEMI) resources.

this is mine.

sure, it is a ridiculously silly TV commercial. it wasn't previously available online, so i would have to wait for the right time slot and watch watch watch for it.

until now.

the good people at Good Times have hooked me up for which i am incredibly grateful...

so i am sharing the wealth.

Osburn, Marguerite (Mickey) Hodges...

Mickey Osburn
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.

Osburn, Marguerite (Mickey) Hodges, age 83 of Nashville. Died August 13. She will be dearly missed by the surviving family: Paul and Trudy Hodges, Frank and Diane Osburn, Pamela and Roland Schneller, and seven grandchildren. Besides raising 3 children (son Michael, deceased), she was active in banking and civil service (Disabilities Appeals Referee, Railroad Retirement Board). Mickey was an intrepid world traveler, visiting countries on four continents, a member of the Stones River Women's Club, Friends of the Donelson Library and a volunteer in schools, a loving Stephen's Minister at First Presbyterian Church, Nashville.

A memorial service will be held Saturday, September 16, 4:00 pm at McKendree Village, 4343 Lebanon Road, Hermitage. In lieu of flowers, please send memorial gifts to Alive Hospice of Nashville.

two minds meet

today i grieve for her death.
today i rejoice in her birth.

today i see the ship battered by the seas and winds of her last voyage.
today i see the ship as trim and fine as when she was first made.

today i hear her laughing at a story just beyond the veil - ha. ha. ha. - each laugh its own statement, punctuated and clear.
today i hear her chuckle aloud as she read the comics.

today i hear her rage at the laborious and long path of death.
today i hear her rage that my mother voted for Nixon.

today i hear her worry at me for my tears over her pain.
today i hear her worry at me to sit and rest. please!

today i remember the flutter as nurses and loved ones endeavor to make her comfortable.
today i remember the rastafari and the sailor with the machete bringing her comfort on a quay.

today i feel her peace as she promised me she knew we all loved her.
today i feel her peace as she promised me she loved me.

today i feel her sorrow for the children she must leave.
today i feel her sorrow at a child lost.

today i know she is in a better place.
today i know mine is a better world for having had her in it.

today i grieve over her death, my loss, but i rejoice again for this, her last birth.
today there are two minds but they support one another, complement one another.

the birthing is complete

after a long arduous labor some 11 days long, Grandma successfully birthed into her new life at 6 o'clock Nashville time. it is joyous indeed for her to be now in a place where God's love can be felt so much more clearly, where beloved ones like her son Michael can be rejoined, and where she can laugh once more like the strong and sweet spirit she was - unfettered by pain or shortness of breath.

it is this we must remember and in which we should rejoice - even as we respect and acknowledge the sorrow of our own loss.

Marguerite Dorothy Hodges Osburn
Originally uploaded by jacquichris.

the family would respectfully ask that those wishing to send flowers make donations instead to Alive Hospice in her name so that the peaceful and protected passing Mickey was allowed may remain available for others.

please feel free to share cherished anecdotes in the comments.

calling cards welcome

in my last post, i forgot to stress that all of Grandma's friends and loved ones are welcome to visit her. she appears to have disassociated from her body for the most part, but i believe she still takes comfort in quiet company. visiting hours are 24-7, though certain safety precautions are encouraged late at night.

please feel free to call one of the family for specifics on her location.

casting off the moorings

given how things had been progressing, Mom and Roland went on to work for a little bit Monday and i drove over to visit Grandma. i arrived right at the start of visiting hours to find her finishing up a bath with her carepartner. she was much, much worse than she had been to date, pleading and winded, though the carepartner was so kind and sweet with her. the nurse gave her her pills with a tiny swallow of water which she partially aspirated into her airway. though she coughed and coughed, Grandma could not get her airway clear. her agitation persisted and her struggles to cough up the fluid intensified. the nurses had already given all her pain medications and could not give her anything else for anxiety. after about a half an hour of trying to calm her, i could feel hysteria building. this is saying a lot given everything we have been through in the past year and a half. there was no way i could maintain the morning watch alone.

my mind cast about for anything that might bring her calm. her favorite pastor was going to be visiting later in the afternoon. i called Mom to get the pastor's cell - if she could come sooner, perhaps it would help. Mom called for me; she and Roland left for the hospital straightaway. the next 30 minutes crawled by. just as Mom and Rol arrived, the RT came in. after nebulization, Civogne performed NT suctioning to clear the airway. this is remarkably horrible to experience but was truly necessary to ease Grandma's misery.

after that, she was so terribly exhausted that she fell into a sleep of sorts. Sandra, the pastor, arrived and prayed with us for a time. this seemed to sooth Grandma and certainly helped sooth us. Sandra also gave us information on a place called Alive Hospice. after that, Grandma pretty much slept until ~5pm. they woke her giving a shot, after which she did not sleep for hours, and at which point we pretty much drew the line in the sand regarding any treatments outside of pain medication.

a wonderful admissions nurse from Alive Hospice turned around from her drive home to meet with us and get Mickey's paperwork ready for admission to Alive. she stayed an hour and a half completing paperwork and was just an incredible comfort.

Tuesday was better. Grandma had some restlessness but was fairly quiet overall. mentally, she seemed to be pretty much checcked out. the transfer was initially scheduled between 8-12 but the ambulance could not be arranged until 2-2:30pm. they arrived right at 2:30 and Grandma and i headed down to the ambulance right around 3pm. unfortunately, the ambulance AC died while they were upstairs with us. it was ~ 110F inside, obviously unacceptable. so back into the ER to figure out a solution then back to the room to wait for the new ambulance. during this whole time, Grandma was getting more and more miserable - the gurneys are just so very narrow and pokey. she was vocalized, i was crying and eventually even the burly EMT started tearing up.

the poor EMTs came back around 4:30 with the new ambulance and we left the hospital at 5 o'clock on the dot. we made astonishingly good time to Alive Hospice. hydrangeas were waiting in the room to welcome her. the staff is just wonderful and they settled Grandma in. instantly they had her on better and less invasive pain medications. the staffing is excellent - they currently have 7 inpatients in the unit, 3 nurses, a charge nurse, 2 carepartners, a chaplain, a social worker and a doctor.

in the meantime, both Brian and Frank arrived from out of town. we visited a few minutes at the new facility then left Grandma to rest. yesterday, the carepartners gave her a bath for which she was quite peaceful. they brushed her hair and tucked in stuffed animals under her arms. she was much much more peaceful and generally seemed mentally absent even when looking around. this is a very positive sign, suggesting she may be entering the last phase of dying.

one last thing to share today. this is a passage from the end of book provided by the hospice center:

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

-Henry Van Dyke

breaking up is hard to do

it has been a couple days since i wrote, but things have been so peculiar i did not really know what to say.

after Friday's distance and progress on transition, Grandma took a step 'back' by re-anchoring to her body Saturday. her vitals continued to stablize though she didn't seem to really make progress. mentally she was much more with us. she told stories, laughed at little quips and was generally engaged. she described with delight her new favorite show Meerkat Manor and dreamt of meerkats. she demanded coffee and butter pecan ice cream, chatted up TraV and picked on her brother. i did not write then, even though there were many 'choice moments' because i did not know what to say.

yesterday, Grandma was much more like she had been on Thursday. she was sore everywhere, unable to settle or sleep, and alternately petulant and angry about her continued existence. she had had an episode of sorts in the night and was, for a while, restricted on all liquids. she wheedled, whined, scolded, and cursed until the doctor reversed the orders.

after a couple of talks with us and the nurses, the doctor said he felt he had a much better feel for her case and that she was not really making gains. he moved her to another ward and dramatically decreased her instrumentation, transitioning more to 'comfort care.'

the new ward is very nice and the nurses so far are fabulous. the visiting hours are much wider, flowers are allowed, and Grandma has no machines around to beep and pulse, except the IV fluid pump. while we were with her she tried to bite out her IV catheter and kept deliberately removing her nasal insufflation. over the course of the afternoon, it became clear that this was an attempt at 'stopping'. since her observation is also pared down, she may eventually succeed in desaturating to arrest. then again, this may drag on one way or another at length.

i cannot yet divine whether God is not ready to let Grandma die or whether it is more that separating from one's body through death - just like separating through meditation - requires practice. the new ward visiting hours start at 11am, at which time i hope to have a better idea where she is headed.

how to figure 'one thing' out

Grandma continues to deteriorate but in a very positive way. her medical status is much more stable yet i suspect her ties to her body much more fragmented.

Grandma was much more peaceful overall today. mentally she was much more withdrawn and had 'let go' of icky details of the last couple days. this distance was more marked than expected based on and temporally inconsistent with her medications. much more of her conversations seem to be with either people on the other side of the veil or with memories. these are very, very positive changes as they are consistent with the early stages in the transition to death.

it is a peculiar thing to be rejoicing in this transition, to be reveling on some level in every negative prognostic sign. even as i find myself joyful and grateful for every clue that Grandma is separating from her 'mortal vessel', i cannot stop the tears. so terribly proud i am of her strength and caring and joy, so happy that her pain seems to be easing. at the same time, so destroyed to see this moment i simply could not imagine closing in and knowing soon she will not be there to tease and to tell the story of 'Dos Margaritas.'

as i mentioned above, today her dialogue was much less present. at the same time, overall the conversation was much less pleading, much less tortured. Mickey laughed several times today. not the laugh-devolving-into-a-coughing-jag of the past, but a wonderful and naughty chuckle. at one point, i asked what she was laughing about. 'just love to laugh,' she said. that she does - i will never forget the joy of overhearing Mickey reading the comics. she is the only person i have ever known to laugh outloud while doing so.

Grandma spoke of crossing a bridge and told me there was 'just one thing I need to figure out.' it took me a while but i think that thing was dying. then she asked, 'When will the adventure begin?' 'Soon,' I promised, 'soon.' 'I just love you all so very much. I am just so tired, so tired.' 'We know. We love you too. It is okay. You cross any bridge you want. We are just so very proud of you, so very proud.'

that we are. so proud and honored to have known her all these years and loved her so dearly.

Paul, her brother, and his wife Trudy arrived last night; they met us first thing to go to the hospital this morning. we checked in with Paul and Trudy tonight in case they thought we were 'circling' in our desire for her passing. Paul chuckled and cried some but said, 'Well, if there was any doubt, it would have been gone when we walked in. The first words out of Mickey's mouth were, "I told them I wanted to die."'

she has repeated this clearly several times and i pointed out that this was between her and God. she seems to be doing her best. she said she wanted to go to Jimmy Kellys and said it has been the happiest of times. i would agree. our time as a family has been precious and full.

Mickey is indeed a brilliant spark, filling the sky of our existence with her sass and her sensibilities. i hope this next adventure begins for her as soon as is right and that it is filled with as much sparkle and wonder as such a jewel deserves.

medical intransigence or God's will?

it has been a hard day. it was immediately apparent this morning that Grandma is sliding. as soon as i arrived, she said she was mad at me but she would not tell me why. she was quite clear and vehement about this.

Grandma's urine output is in the tank and she has been much more withdrawn. her glucose control is better but she is now running a mean blood pressure of roughly 55mmHg. they are backing off meds but the changes are slow. she did not cough much or curse today and instead allowed her breathing to drag against the goo in her airway. overall her breathing is more labored even with extensive bronchodilator therapy and, heartbreakingly, her sparkle gone.

we met with the doctor after a couple hours. he agreed she was much worse and suggested putting her back on the ventilator. Mom and i pressed him with regard to her problems, prognosis, and the long-term quality of life issues. after thrashing through everything, he reversed himself and said he wouldn't put her on a vent unless she specifically wanted it. we then went and laid everything out for Grandma and asked her what she wanted. she said she did not to go back on the ventilator and that she was ready to die, that she wanted to die. we told her she would have to negotiate with God on that one.

i realized at this point that the reason she was angry with me is because i had told her yesterday that she couldn't quit. it seemed the right call at the time, like it was a hard day but reasonable for day 1 off the vent. i do not regret it but - at the same time - today is obviously a different kettle of fish. i told her that it was okay to die, that she didn't have to keep trying, at least not for our sakes. after that, Grandma became much more interactive.

the doctor agreed to get her a 'little something' to take the edge off and started her on Xanax. this made her sleepy but much much less miserable. ironically, her breathing and oxygenation have also improved. that isn't to say she isn't still suffering.

she kept moaning and saying 'Oh God.' at one point she said, 'Why is it so hard to die?' i said, 'Well. They have built up a whole industry around keeping people alive.' she gave the only chuckle i heard all day. 'That's sure true,' she said. realistically, since control of her lungs, heart, blood pressure and kidneys has been co-opted through oxygen supplementation, inhalant therapies, and intravenous and oral medications, it will indeed be quite difficult for her successfully stop.

Mom said, 'It'll be okay. You don't have to be afraid.' 'I'm not afraid of dying,' she replied.

Grandma slept for a while before waking. 'Oh God,' she said. i said 'Yeah, he is one hard negotiator, isn't he?' 'He sure is...' 'Well, you keep at it. See if you guys can't come to terms.'

she woke once more to tell Roland and me, 'I'm stuck.' it took us a minute to realize she meant stuck between living and dying. i said it was probably like one of the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. not too bad but the first step is a doozy. a minister friend of all of ours, Sandra, came by to visit and pray with us. it seemed to offer some succor.

we left Grandma asleep, wrapped in our love, with many prayers to God to make up his mind with alacrity and stop her suffering one way or another. now we will just have to see what exactly He decides.

i find myself quite troubled - where exactly does the line fall between God's will and medical capacity?

Grandma is broken

Friday morning my grandmother had an episode of severe respiratory distress that necessitated ambulance transport and ventilatory support. she remained on a ventilator until yesterday. this is an update i wrote yesterday:

just wanted to get out a little update on Mickey. the doctors determined she had pneumonia in the base of her left lung, which probably caused 'the incident' Friday, versus it being an irreversible deterioration. the pneumonia is slowly responding (based on rads and her temperature) and her coloration is quite improved. Mickey's oxygenating ability remained pretty terrible over the weekend; the secretions from her lungs were quite thick but have improved slowly.

this morning, given persistently improved parameters, she was taken off the ventilator and extubated. Grandma has had a lot of challenge in clearing her airway and has had recurrent bronchospasm. she is on pretty aggressive inhalation treatments to try and help with that. it has been very rough today and we are unsure if she will exhaust and require re-intubation tonight. i am guessing 20-30% chance that she will have to be reintubated to rest and then retry in another day or two. obviously that would be a setback, but not yet a decision of quality vs quantity of life.

toward the end of the day, Grandma was able to talk a little though she was still somewhat out of it and her interests were immediate 'miseries,' most notably the nasogastric tube. i give even odds on it being out in the morning regardless of doctor interests... we mainly stuck to a binary blink system so she could conserve energy for breathing. she did know us and said she trusted me (to be honest) when i promised things would be a lot better soon if she could stay calm (to help with the breathing) and work on strength of her coughing. i reminded her i always kept my two 'rules' with Mom and would be playing by the same rules with her: 1. Never lie. 2. Never promise something i couldn't deliver.

her pulmonologist is very good and i like him a lot. her nurses are also top rate. the doctor let me stay with her for the extubation and the nurses thanked me for staying, saying that she certainly seemed to respond better when i gave their 'orders' to her, esp when they had to do nasotracheal suctioning. overall, we are just very grateful to have her in such good and open hands, and we count on her and God to determine what is the right thing to happen.

i have shared all of your well wishes. tomorrow we should have a better idea where the cards may fall.

Grandma made it through the night without either reintubation or removal of her feeding tube. nasal swab culture came back positive for MRSA; vancomycin has been started. kidney function is being monitored fairly closely and medications were adjusted after a drop in urine output last night. nasotracheal suction for sputum culture today was unsuccessful.

the propofol wore off during the night and now Grandma is much more alert. this, of course, is a double-edged sword. the upside is that we can better assess her mental status. the downside is that she is miserable and feels tortured by every little thing that is happening. she cannot get comfortable and still struggles to breathe in spite of intravenous and inhalant therapies. Grandma did try and laugh a couple times today and her swearing is increasing, both things i take as good signs.

the waiting game continues. i will try and keep everyone updated.

GOP plays hardball, DCCC rolls over and pees on self

DCCC Fundraising Video: A New Direction for America

the DCCC finally did something right and made a good ad. of course the GOP throws a fit. proving even a monkey can type Shakespeare by chance once, the DCCC pulled the ad.

if the rest of the world worked this way, ie. speaking the truth is just spin, ads campaigning against smoking by the AMA for example would have to be pulled for highlighting images of lung cancer because the doctors were using 'these horrible deaths' to benefit their cause ...

our young activism will frag your old elitism

(cross-posted from a comment i made on MyDD)

i am a young voter working on a local campaign where young voters may turn the race. although my people recognize that they are NOT young voters and have placed me on point for mobilizing young voter turnout, i find it incomprehensible how few people overall have bothered to learn about us.

repeatedly i have found myself biting my tongue as Baby Boomers lecture me on how i don't know anything about young voters, that all the research performed at Harvard is bunk and that the only way to get young voters to turn out is to rent limos to drive them to the polls. in spite of the level of debate one can easily find on MyS, in chat rooms and at coffeeshops about important legislation, i am told that young voters aren't informed, don't care and will only turn out if there is some immediate payoff (like a limo ride) in it for them. and i find myself thinking...

'It will serve you right if we don't turn out if this is the way you are going to view and treat us.'

'Apparently, activism in the iPod generation doesn't count the way it did in the LP age,' my cynical side snarks, 'or at least not as much given the persistence of self-righteous dismissal by Baby Boomers and the MSM even when it occurs at remarkable levels, across partisan divides, and changes the political landscape.'

traditional political bodies continue to speak down to young voters - when they bother to speak to them at all - and drive them further away with polemic rhetoric. contemporary attempts to improve things using the 'old' protest system generally fail, and an insidious hopelessness pervades young voter consciousness.

so now we begin a new approach...

young activists have begun to move away from traditional protests and toward more organized yet non-partisan activism through groups like The League of Pissed-off Voters. they speak among themselves, investigate issues on their own, spurn traditional and untrusted news sources, and make their own organizing decisions more and more outside the framework of partisanship.

if they want to keep their issues on the table long-term, Baby Boomers had best take note because we are mobilizing our roommates, turning up at the polls in increasing numbers, and voting our issues, and as much as i hate to quote Mayer, he is right,

"one day our generation is gonna rule the population."

why Ken Gordon rocks...

from his most recent newsletter (i'll link to it as soon as it is up on their webpage):

Petition in support of Fair Elections: Tom Vilsack, the Governor of Iowa, recognizes the critical role that Secretaries of State sometimes play in shaping the outcome of important elections. To highlight the importance of having fair, honest and impartial election officers, his organization is delivering a "VOTES Declaration" petition to all 50 current Secretaries of State. (VOTES stands for Verifiable, Objective, Tough, Equal and Secure.)

If you care about free, fair and honest elections go to http://www.heartlandpac.org/page/s/VOTES to read and sign the petition. It doesn't cost anything.

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The current administration in Washington has done nothing to provide access to affordable health care for people. It has done nothing to help people who are not wealthy or in the pharmaceutical or oil industry. It can either face the justified wrath of the people in the next election or it can divert the attention of the people to some "other," for instance illegal immigrants, which they tell you are the source of your problems.

"Don't let them trick you either here or in Washington.

Smite them with your votes."

go ahead. do it. smite them. all it takes is registering to vote. heck, if you get an absentee ballot, you can even smite them from your home while the Chromehounds server is resetting.

Salazar supports something besides the erosion of civil liberties

"Finally, this week also saw the National Park Service unveil new proposed management rules which restore the 90-year-old management principle to “First, do no harm” and abandon efforts to institute a less protective approach to park management. Over the past year and a half, I have repeatedly pushed former Interior Secretary Gale Norton, current Interior Secretary Kempthorne, National Parks Service Director Fran Mainella, and others in the Administration to re-think their proposed rules which would have decreased protections for National Parks. I am delighted that they have done so."

teen runaways- UPDATED

my brother's 14 year-old stepdaughter ran away from home. [i will post more details when i am up to it.] she has been missing over 48 hours now. we are all limited to praying and hoping and waiting. one thing i have discovered is the paucity of resources for families in this situation (or dealing with other 'troubled teen issues) and the difficulty finding them. it is an excellent example of how hard it is to find anything on the internet when there is a buck to be made (witness the huge number of 'informational sites' designed to convince you to ship your kid to their affiliated boot camps). in addition, it a) demonstrates how few states actually have resources for helping at-risk or troubled teens and b) how limited the national resources appear to be (at least on the surface). the one listing i found for resources organized b state jumped directly from Idaho to Kentucky with nothing in Illinois, Iowa, or Indiana.

so far, this is what i have found. please post any other reputable resources in comments as they would be very welcome. also, if i have been 'tricked' regarding any of the below resources, please let me know. i will report our experience with them as it unfolds.

Just in Case... Runaway: a brochure from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children on handling all aspects of responding to a runaway situation. so far this is most helpful thing out there and some of the steps should be taken within the first hours if possible so download right away if you are in a similar situation.

Team Hope: The mission of Team H.O.P.E. is to assist families with missing children by offering counsel, resources, empowerment and emotional support from a trained volunteer, who has had or still has a missing child.

National Runaway Switchboard: We are the federally-designated national communication system (hotline and website) for runaway and homeless youth.

Focus Adolescent Services: Focus Adolescent Services is an internet clearinghouse of information and resources on teen and family issues to help and support families with troubled and at-risk teens.

Another article on what to do.

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UPDATE 10:30pm 6/22
after being missing close to 72 hours, my niece has been 'caught' and is currently headed home. we are certainly not out of the woods, esp given she is not coming home of her own choice, but at least we know she is safe for now. we are taking a careful and supportive approach in the hopes of truly sorting out what is going on and helping her find safer ways to express her feelings.

thank you all so very much for your support–

jax